Touch of Grace

(posted by Olivier, this is CoandO after all)

For me the hardest part about this transition in life is not the three am diaper change, or having to postpone a bathroom break for a crying baby, even the fatigue is manageable for me... the hardest part is how disconnected from God I've become. Previously I was really under control and able to give my forty-five minutes in the morning, my Thursday nights to the Lord, and Sunday mornings (a long morning at the Tab). Lately though, zero, I've given the Lord just about zero of myself.

Surely when you are exhausted and being stretched to a point that you never have been before, God understands and the grace is there, right? And yes it has been there, for my wife, and for the baby, and even work, being able to get up and be a father in the middle of the night, or at the end of a work day, and commutes on a slimmed down two lane Edens, to be able to come home and have a genuine desire to take care of a baby and hear about Colleen's day, these are things that I can't claim as my own good nature, but rather the grace of God. But where the grace of God seems to be lacking the most for me right now is in my own personal life. I don't have it in me to praise while I'm driving, or to get into the word... it's just not there. I feel busted. Perhaps this is just my own misunderstanding of who God is and his infinite mercy, but truthfully it's just been a struggle... I just talked with a wise brother in the Lord, my brother, and he said, "it's time for me to stop complaining." I couldn't help but think how mature of a statement that is given the fact of the God we serve...

And so it's time for me to stop complaining, I need a touch of grace... This past Thursday night was our prayer meeting, usually a surefire way of getting close to God and being renewed, but not so this time. Elodie needed a feeding and she kept us from the exhaltation time, and during the word I had to leave and feed her a bottle... really I could've been home and watching "The Office". But I knew I needed God... I was desperate. It came time to pray for each other and I thought, with our daughter between us, it would be an opportune time to pray for ourselves as a family. I had shown up for the meeting, and wasn't able to connect in praise, nor in lesson, and now I wanted to hear from him... I started to open my mouth and tell God of his goodness, but I was only able to sputter some nonsense... "Lord why is this so hard right now, what is going on? surely you know how hard this is..."

Then I feel the hands of our loving friends come behind us and a voice that says "we really want to pray for you..." And as our brother and sister start praying for us I realize that each and every thing they say and ask God for is just what had been weighing so heavy on my heart... rest, assurance, renewal, courage, energy, new love, new annointing, grace upon grace... And there he was, God, in the middle of their prayers, telling me, "Yes, I know... I know you are distant, and tired, but I know, and you are mine..." and there it was, in a long night of waiting on God, he just showed up in that prayer, in a way that had nothing to do with me. I didn't stretch my faith or get up in the middle of the night, he just came, and in that short moment came the touch of Grace...